College has so far been a test in every quality I lack.
I believe this is being done for a higher purpose, but that still doesn't help the ill will that inevitably follows when you are once again being forced to be a doormat, or simply to lazy to stand up for one's self. I believe I'm a nice mixture of the two, confrontation takes to much energy, but simply allowing it happen pisses me off to the nth degree. But I digress...
It's only been two weeks, today being the start of the third. I'm ready to destroy something, I'm to the point where if a confrontation happens I'm not going to back down from it. I may regret the consequences, but there's got to be a line somewhere, right?
My roommate, my darling new roommate, seems to believe the world revolves around her wants and needs. Nevermind that I may have feelings, nevermind that I can almost guarantee my financial situation is a shitload worse than yours, hon. Let me tell you a little thing about life: one of these days your going to be stuck with someone that ten or so at night will tell you STFU and smash your phone into the wall, one of these days your going to be stuck with someone that could care less about your complete and utter bullshit of a lifestory because somebody turned up the melodrama way way up and nobody's ever bothered to turn it back down for you. I have a lovely little tidbit to share: no one gives a rat's ass about your relationship issues or lack thereof. No one. Not me, not anyone else. We pretend we're listening only so that when you do realize that you're annoying us, and get mad at us for it: you're going to feel like a complete and utter douchebag when you decide to get "justice."
I get you had a hard childhood, really, I had one too. And when someone decides that sucky childhood are the topic for the day, I will contribute simply because I want everyone to see that I may have a sob story, but I don't want your fucking pity. I don't want to learn lessons via others' stories.
There's a lesson here to be learned too, sweetheart: people are full of crap. That doesn't exclude me or you, but I'm able to admit it. Just because you've read a couple books doesn't make an expert, just because you have a boyfriend doesn't make you the all-knowing councilor of successful and unsuccessful relationships. It simply means your still thinking that this is highschool. Because back in highschool people cared, people cared because they knew everyone involved in these elaborate dramas we create to keep ourselves entertained and otherwise engaged from dwelling on the total worthlessness of everything we do.
I'm ranting because I'm pissed. Because you have the audacity, the gall, to tell me that you don't like the truth and would you please delete from the public view? Listen, honey, I did as you asked because I've gotta live with you for God only knows how much longer, and I don't want to deal with your immature cold shoulders and icy glances. It's cold enough with AC on as it is.
You locked me out, you should've known I wasn't back yet, I bet you even saw my purse and thought to yourself: oh, I bet she's still in the shower. Even if you somehow simply forgot about all the evidence that I'd left to make sure you knew I hadn't disappeared yet, and locked it on accident, you could've gone back an unlocked it. No, this morning my being late to class was your fault, my having to wander around the dorm in nothing but an effing towel was your fault. You asked, I told, and suddenly knowing that my misfortune was your fault, without apologizing profusely (which it is so totally too late for) to me for being a total bitch about every little thing from the AC to food to boys to my own opinions about the world. You're a heathen, and yes, you do dress like a hooker, I'm just nice. Put a fucking jacket on and grab a blanket, maybe if you actually wore clothes you wouldn't be so cold all the time?!
I'm sitting here writing this in all my foul-mouthed glory because I know that if I say one (I'm starting to feel bad about dropping the f-bomb so much) word about it, you're going to glare at me and stick your nose in the air and decide that I'm just all sorts of ridiculous, me and my Southern ways.
You won't manipulate me, the hell I'm going to let you decide who my friends are and who I can hang out with. You may be possessive, but I'm a whole lot more determined. I'd like to live out the rest of my freshmen year here in a civil and peaceful way, no wars, no tears, no hurt feelings, no gutting with a wooden spoon. But I swear, if you keep it up, darling, we're gonna have some issues, and I'm going to be the one that wins this battle.
So suck it up, and get over yourself.
Panda out.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
In Which Pandas Wield Axes--Sharp Ones
I'm angry. Angrier than I've been in awhile.
And hurt.
And it's not fair.
And if this comes to pass...to be perfectly blunt, I'm not entirely sure how I'll be handling it.
In the words of Tycho Braye: I'll be playing this by ear.
I had to hear second-hand, and that bothers me to no end.
But what really bothers me is that this doesn't even come close to being okay.
Needless to say, I want to explode, scream, rant, and rave.
But I can't.
Not because I don't want to get in trouble--because I could do the above.
I have permission. However, I lack the apathy it would take to yell at my favorite person in the whole wide world.
And so: I'm screwed.
And I'll probably end up saying and doing something I'm going to regret.
Which already up the ante on my endless amounts of mild social anxiety--because people are stupid, and there comes a point where I tire greatly of their antics. I downright frown upon their shenanigans.
The point is, however, that life just got a hell of a lot worse.
...and I may or may not be brewing a minor hatred for the starter of this metaphorical fire(if it keeps up, it'll be an effing inferno, babe).
(for my own sanity, I'm leaving the entire subject of prom out of this, for now, at least).
Panda out.
P.S. Now that you've finished reading my rant of fury: go read Girl Genius by Phil and Kaja Foglio. It's amazing.
CLICK HERE!
And hurt.
And it's not fair.
And if this comes to pass...to be perfectly blunt, I'm not entirely sure how I'll be handling it.
In the words of Tycho Braye: I'll be playing this by ear.
I had to hear second-hand, and that bothers me to no end.
But what really bothers me is that this doesn't even come close to being okay.
Needless to say, I want to explode, scream, rant, and rave.
But I can't.
Not because I don't want to get in trouble--because I could do the above.
I have permission. However, I lack the apathy it would take to yell at my favorite person in the whole wide world.
And so: I'm screwed.
And I'll probably end up saying and doing something I'm going to regret.
Which already up the ante on my endless amounts of mild social anxiety--because people are stupid, and there comes a point where I tire greatly of their antics. I downright frown upon their shenanigans.
The point is, however, that life just got a hell of a lot worse.
...and I may or may not be brewing a minor hatred for the starter of this metaphorical fire(if it keeps up, it'll be an effing inferno, babe).
(for my own sanity, I'm leaving the entire subject of prom out of this, for now, at least).
Panda out.
P.S. Now that you've finished reading my rant of fury: go read Girl Genius by Phil and Kaja Foglio. It's amazing.
CLICK HERE!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Allow me to exaggerate
Once again, I should be doing English homework, and once again...I'm not. Ah well. I've done housework, which is surprising. However, if that wasn't surprising enough, my new boyfriend of 3 weeks, the one I was contemplating breaking up with broke up with me today. Imagine my surprise, this is not looking to be my year, I must say. Only February, and already I've made a dozen mistakes, am stressed to the max, sleeping and eating are not on my list of priorities, and I can't even keep a guy I don't like that much as a boyfriend for even a month. Brilliant. I think I deserve some cookie dough, or something. I didn't get to go to state, and I have homework coming out orifices that don't exist, and in general I'd like the world to please stop for just one moment, because I want the eff off! Ergh. In general, this break up actually works in my favor, but it's one of those things that hits my self-esteem ridiculously hard, whether I want it to happen or not. It's just not something I'll ever be used to no matter how many times it happens.
Not to mention the kicker here...
See, I spilled my guts to mom the other night, because I was so darn angry over VASE and not going to state and what they were sending to state and just upset in general because I was being pissy and not liking having to deal with someone 24/7 and being expected to do stuff I didn't necessarily want to do because I was someone's girlfriend and was obligated to let him hold my hand and put his arm around me (which, I have learned, annoys the crap out of me unless you're on a special list of people of which is relatively short). So, yea. Mom and me were talking, and it came to the discussion about why this was happening in the first place, and why all of the sudden, now that I finally have a boy that I semi-like coming after me, I wasn't pleased with the situation.
Turns out, I may have "committment issues."
Imagine my surprise.
I won't lie, I've contemplated this, but I never thought it to be true, nor have any real value to the conclusion, period. However, Mom was able to properly explain this all out to me. Not only am I paranoid little freak, but also one with committment issues for reasons that may or may not relate back to my father (I'm hoping not, that maybe I developed this on my own, because that makes me feel better).
Why this answer fits so well is that I've been going after guys that are
a) married
b) too old
c) both a and b
d) have girlfriends
e) are some sect of a radical religion that I so do not want to get mixed up in.
f) are some ethnicity my mother doesn't want me mixing with
etc.
You see where this is going?
It makes sense, sort of. I go after the impossible knowing I can't and will never have it. Thus, saving me from having to deal with the situation of someone actually returning my shameless flirtations without strings attached.
In general, I'm just a little bummed, miffed, and sort of depressed, because...well yea.
Also, I'd like some cake.
And a unicorn.
Maybe one that has a rainbow colored mane that'll take me to a magical world with singing flowers and smiling strawberries that laugh when you devour them whole.
Yes.
That would be totally awesome.
Panda out.
Not to mention the kicker here...
See, I spilled my guts to mom the other night, because I was so darn angry over VASE and not going to state and what they were sending to state and just upset in general because I was being pissy and not liking having to deal with someone 24/7 and being expected to do stuff I didn't necessarily want to do because I was someone's girlfriend and was obligated to let him hold my hand and put his arm around me (which, I have learned, annoys the crap out of me unless you're on a special list of people of which is relatively short). So, yea. Mom and me were talking, and it came to the discussion about why this was happening in the first place, and why all of the sudden, now that I finally have a boy that I semi-like coming after me, I wasn't pleased with the situation.
Turns out, I may have "committment issues."
Imagine my surprise.
I won't lie, I've contemplated this, but I never thought it to be true, nor have any real value to the conclusion, period. However, Mom was able to properly explain this all out to me. Not only am I paranoid little freak, but also one with committment issues for reasons that may or may not relate back to my father (I'm hoping not, that maybe I developed this on my own, because that makes me feel better).
Why this answer fits so well is that I've been going after guys that are
a) married
b) too old
c) both a and b
d) have girlfriends
e) are some sect of a radical religion that I so do not want to get mixed up in.
f) are some ethnicity my mother doesn't want me mixing with
etc.
You see where this is going?
It makes sense, sort of. I go after the impossible knowing I can't and will never have it. Thus, saving me from having to deal with the situation of someone actually returning my shameless flirtations without strings attached.
In general, I'm just a little bummed, miffed, and sort of depressed, because...well yea.
Also, I'd like some cake.
And a unicorn.
Maybe one that has a rainbow colored mane that'll take me to a magical world with singing flowers and smiling strawberries that laugh when you devour them whole.
Yes.
That would be totally awesome.
Panda out.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
I Feel Like A Zombie
Ugh...
Is it wrong that I don't wanna finish my dumb paper yet? Despite it being due in a couple of hours...I hate english....really it's more old literature. None of its interesting. Where's the love? Where're the dragons? Unicorns? Wizards? Angst?! The Squire is such a goody-two-shoes...well, aside from his sudden interest in incestual relations...whatever.
I'm so tired. I actually put forth effort into the drawing I just did of him. Shocking, I know. And I'd have much rather worked on something else. Or watched NCIS, because I cannot get enough of that show. OMG! fer realz. Also, I WANNA BE KEVIN BACON! That way I can do logitech commercials about myself. <3
Crazy Lauren was at the Library on Saturday when me and Bekka went to make the Lego House of Christmas Amazing. It would've been more fun with her, but ya know, whatever.
VASE is looming closer, and I still don't have a piece...in either class. I'm several pieces short in art, and of all the classes to be making a B in, Art is NOT one of them. So I'm trying to fix this. Quality AND Quantity is bit much for me, I won't lie. I normally give one or the other. However in this case, my life depends on it. I'm so ready for graduation already. I'm tired of homework, and I'm tired of not knowing a boy that doesn't already have a girlfriend except the one that I do know that I do not like. He's okay, but I've seen dried paint have more of a personality. No offense, I mean that in the most affectionate way possible. I enjoy myself around him sometimes...but mostly, no. He's just too normal, and I'm pretty sure by now he thinks I'm a heathen. I am, I'm not denying that, it's just I do believe the shock of realizing that I am a little harder to handle than your average girl...I have a brain! (AND a PERSONALITY! Go figure! Penguins only come in BLACK AND WHITE! Not rainbow colors. Moron.)
Also...I'm really contemplating cutting my hair. Not now, graduation sounds fairly nice though. But everyone at school wants to see it in person when it gets cut...not that I have any qualms with that. And I realize everyone reading this will ask, "BUT MIRANDA! What about your dream of cosplaying as May from Guilty Gear and using your REAL hair?!" To which I answer, there is no way my hair would look that great going through that hat. It would look dumb. The more I think about it, the cuter it is to have shorter hair. That way, I can go as Yuffie, Sakura, and several others. And if I need long hair again, I'll buy a wig. It's less time consuming.
Although, I still want that costume. Just saying. Not that I'm getting it, because evidently my money needs to be saved so as to get into college. Who'd a thought?
It's also cold in the livingroom, and my nose is freezing, and I fear it may fall off, and then I'd be noseless like that one guy from Tales from the Crypt, where he turned back the odometers on old cars and sold them like they were new and so he got his nose cut off as punishment for his crime...NO NOSE! AUGH! Friggin chiller channel...
I haven't gotten any farther in my story, well, okay, a little farther, but I still can't seem to go in chronological order. I'm also behind on fanfiction, especially with a new archive to write for. I need to finish my Yuffentine, Ryro, and Rogan fics before working Gabby or Squiffie. I already lost my beta job...(which made me feel like such a failure, btw. I won't even lie. But she still talks to me, so that made it better.)
Know what sucks? This guy that one of my friends is going out with (it's a long distance relationship) is the sweetest thing known to mankind, I swear he's the male version of me (or as close as you could get, seeing as how having a y-chromosome would a damper on most of my amazingess.) And I may just be a little jealous of him. Because he treats her like a princess, but not the syrupy ick sort of way. It's still sweet and sugary and corny and cheesy, etc. But it's with a different sort of feeling behind it. It's not seriousness like the guy I know that's persuing me (I'll give that his tenacity is enviable). He's also very musical, I called him because I was bored and he told me to, and he gave me a small serenade (including electric guitar solo) with lyrics. It was so cool! And he likes Doctor Who and Star Wars, while I know his girlfriend isn't a fan of either...but I suppose that's the whole 'opposites attract thing'.
I don't know what the heck I'm gonna do for prom.
I do know that without a date, I'm not gonna be happy panda.
And that means I'll be pissy and upset and feel all sorts of tree rot bubbling up inside.
Oh, btw, the guy that I know (Tyler? Yah, him.) We're giving him a codename. His name is now Green Lantern. Because he's boring. As is Green Lantern, because he's not a super hero: his ring is.
But anyways...he's an okay friend, but I wish he'd give up. It makes me angry, and I hate the fact that he casually throws comments like that out when he's being serious about them. If I thought he was just teasing or something, that's one thing. I can handle that. I spend most of my life with that. I mean seriously, PUBLIC SCHOOL, you don't have hormones and NOT do that. It's just a fact of life.
Either way. He's too serious about everything. He's so...structured. He didn't seem to appreciate the Penny Arcade comics I showed him, nor did he seem very amused by my, I'll give you cheesy and inappropriate (and mildly uncalled for) joke about Bellatrix being easy if you're Voldemort (But I mean, c'mon. She would be!)
That's life, I suppose. I'm just looking forward to Christmas break, and also I'd like to see Tangled.
I'd also like to see Burlesque, but that request doesn't appear to be happening anytime soon. (Have you listened to that soundtrack?! DOOD! Best. Thing. EVAR!)
Well, it is nearing midnight, and I still have not finished that paper that I was talking about earlier on about my pilgrim. So I'll be closing this up, now.
Sleep well, kiddies!
Panda out.
Is it wrong that I don't wanna finish my dumb paper yet? Despite it being due in a couple of hours...I hate english....really it's more old literature. None of its interesting. Where's the love? Where're the dragons? Unicorns? Wizards? Angst?! The Squire is such a goody-two-shoes...well, aside from his sudden interest in incestual relations...whatever.
I'm so tired. I actually put forth effort into the drawing I just did of him. Shocking, I know. And I'd have much rather worked on something else. Or watched NCIS, because I cannot get enough of that show. OMG! fer realz. Also, I WANNA BE KEVIN BACON! That way I can do logitech commercials about myself. <3
Crazy Lauren was at the Library on Saturday when me and Bekka went to make the Lego House of Christmas Amazing. It would've been more fun with her, but ya know, whatever.
VASE is looming closer, and I still don't have a piece...in either class. I'm several pieces short in art, and of all the classes to be making a B in, Art is NOT one of them. So I'm trying to fix this. Quality AND Quantity is bit much for me, I won't lie. I normally give one or the other. However in this case, my life depends on it. I'm so ready for graduation already. I'm tired of homework, and I'm tired of not knowing a boy that doesn't already have a girlfriend except the one that I do know that I do not like. He's okay, but I've seen dried paint have more of a personality. No offense, I mean that in the most affectionate way possible. I enjoy myself around him sometimes...but mostly, no. He's just too normal, and I'm pretty sure by now he thinks I'm a heathen. I am, I'm not denying that, it's just I do believe the shock of realizing that I am a little harder to handle than your average girl...I have a brain! (AND a PERSONALITY! Go figure! Penguins only come in BLACK AND WHITE! Not rainbow colors. Moron.)
Also...I'm really contemplating cutting my hair. Not now, graduation sounds fairly nice though. But everyone at school wants to see it in person when it gets cut...not that I have any qualms with that. And I realize everyone reading this will ask, "BUT MIRANDA! What about your dream of cosplaying as May from Guilty Gear and using your REAL hair?!" To which I answer, there is no way my hair would look that great going through that hat. It would look dumb. The more I think about it, the cuter it is to have shorter hair. That way, I can go as Yuffie, Sakura, and several others. And if I need long hair again, I'll buy a wig. It's less time consuming.
Although, I still want that costume. Just saying. Not that I'm getting it, because evidently my money needs to be saved so as to get into college. Who'd a thought?
It's also cold in the livingroom, and my nose is freezing, and I fear it may fall off, and then I'd be noseless like that one guy from Tales from the Crypt, where he turned back the odometers on old cars and sold them like they were new and so he got his nose cut off as punishment for his crime...NO NOSE! AUGH! Friggin chiller channel...
I haven't gotten any farther in my story, well, okay, a little farther, but I still can't seem to go in chronological order. I'm also behind on fanfiction, especially with a new archive to write for. I need to finish my Yuffentine, Ryro, and Rogan fics before working Gabby or Squiffie. I already lost my beta job...(which made me feel like such a failure, btw. I won't even lie. But she still talks to me, so that made it better.)
Know what sucks? This guy that one of my friends is going out with (it's a long distance relationship) is the sweetest thing known to mankind, I swear he's the male version of me (or as close as you could get, seeing as how having a y-chromosome would a damper on most of my amazingess.) And I may just be a little jealous of him. Because he treats her like a princess, but not the syrupy ick sort of way. It's still sweet and sugary and corny and cheesy, etc. But it's with a different sort of feeling behind it. It's not seriousness like the guy I know that's persuing me (I'll give that his tenacity is enviable). He's also very musical, I called him because I was bored and he told me to, and he gave me a small serenade (including electric guitar solo) with lyrics. It was so cool! And he likes Doctor Who and Star Wars, while I know his girlfriend isn't a fan of either...but I suppose that's the whole 'opposites attract thing'.
I don't know what the heck I'm gonna do for prom.
I do know that without a date, I'm not gonna be happy panda.
And that means I'll be pissy and upset and feel all sorts of tree rot bubbling up inside.
Oh, btw, the guy that I know (Tyler? Yah, him.) We're giving him a codename. His name is now Green Lantern. Because he's boring. As is Green Lantern, because he's not a super hero: his ring is.
But anyways...he's an okay friend, but I wish he'd give up. It makes me angry, and I hate the fact that he casually throws comments like that out when he's being serious about them. If I thought he was just teasing or something, that's one thing. I can handle that. I spend most of my life with that. I mean seriously, PUBLIC SCHOOL, you don't have hormones and NOT do that. It's just a fact of life.
Either way. He's too serious about everything. He's so...structured. He didn't seem to appreciate the Penny Arcade comics I showed him, nor did he seem very amused by my, I'll give you cheesy and inappropriate (and mildly uncalled for) joke about Bellatrix being easy if you're Voldemort (But I mean, c'mon. She would be!)
That's life, I suppose. I'm just looking forward to Christmas break, and also I'd like to see Tangled.
I'd also like to see Burlesque, but that request doesn't appear to be happening anytime soon. (Have you listened to that soundtrack?! DOOD! Best. Thing. EVAR!)
Well, it is nearing midnight, and I still have not finished that paper that I was talking about earlier on about my pilgrim. So I'll be closing this up, now.
Sleep well, kiddies!
Panda out.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
If you feel so walked on, so painful, so pissed off.
Gawd, I love that emo song.
It's just so angry. It makes me feel just a little bit better about life.
=D
No, but seriously, today, I'm not sure what happened.
So, this girl, the one I hate with ever loathing passion that I hope gets hit by a bus drived by yours truely--yea, her. Well, her and that asshole of a boyfriend she has, rather had, have broken up. Evidently, he's even more of an asshole than I thought. Not only did they break up, but he still wants to be friends. Says he still loves her and wants her in his life, but not in a romantic sense. Whatever. I'd tell'im to piss off. Which is possibly why I remain single. However, that's not the point. THe point is: I felt sorry for her. Like legitimate sympathy. She had a freakin' baby with him! I mean, sure, yes, I've continuously called her a whore, but really, she (from all accounts, and I hate myself a little for saying this) really cared about him. I'm not calling it love. I'm sorry, we're all still in highschool. Love doesn't exist for us, yet. But I'll admit to a certain extent of caring in more than a platonic sense.
She thought they were going to be together forever. Legitimately had decided that at some point they were going to get married have a legit babies. She's been through pregnancy, and whispers, and all sorts of things just for him. She's given him everything she's got to give. And what does he do?
Treats her like shit. Treats her as if she's nothing more than a toy he's gotten bored with. He'd still like it to sit on the shelf and look pretty and awesome, but he doesn't really wanna play with it anymore. What a ho. Honestly, he disgusts me more than she ever could. He's just screwing around with her now (pun intended. Ask me if I care that it's in bad taste. Go ahead. I dare you.). So yea.
But what makes me so upset--is that I felt so sorry for her, that I couldn't find it in me to be happy about it. Her life is absolutely wrecked. There's nothing left to it. She is a broken and fallen woman. She won't recover unless they get back together.
She actually did fall on her face...and she didn't get back up this time.
And I feel awful for her. And it's infuriating!
I actually had the notion to hug her and tell her it would be okay.
WHAT. THE. HELL.
Seriously.
Just no.
So I'm furious, but not with her, furious more really with that asshole that calls himself a good person. The audacity of some people. The y-chromosome makes people so DUMB! Ugh.
So yea. And yet, some part of me that wasn't very loud, was mildly upset that she wasn't crying. She should've. I would've. I did, and I wasn't even in as deep as she was. I take comfort that her eyes were sort of red and puffy when she told me. If anyone suggests it was allergies, I'm going to falcon punch them. Just saying.
Also: I'm tired. And I'm being worked to death, and am also underpaid. I'm only complaining because it won't reach the employer's ears. Especially since my employer doesn't know who the heck I am considering we've never met. Ever.
Yea. Not to mention, I have actual obligations to Art Club and PALs. That being baking 3 DOZEN COOKIES (WTF?! D00D, seriously?!), making a PALs poster (all artsy like), and an Art Club poster (using a collage of photos from previous years so that we don't have to remake our sample sheet completely). We won't go into my homework load that I'm not doing voluntarily. Blegh.
6 hours of sleep is so not enough to keep my awake during Pre Cal. Just saying.
On a happier note: me and Tyler may or may not be going to the mall and the movies on Saturday. Just for the heck of it as friends. Because really, he's my replacement Alan. Don't tell him that, though. Because at the same time: he's Tyler, not Alan. There's a big difference. It makes sense in my head. I know what I'm talking about.
Panda out.
It's just so angry. It makes me feel just a little bit better about life.
=D
No, but seriously, today, I'm not sure what happened.
So, this girl, the one I hate with ever loathing passion that I hope gets hit by a bus drived by yours truely--yea, her. Well, her and that asshole of a boyfriend she has, rather had, have broken up. Evidently, he's even more of an asshole than I thought. Not only did they break up, but he still wants to be friends. Says he still loves her and wants her in his life, but not in a romantic sense. Whatever. I'd tell'im to piss off. Which is possibly why I remain single. However, that's not the point. THe point is: I felt sorry for her. Like legitimate sympathy. She had a freakin' baby with him! I mean, sure, yes, I've continuously called her a whore, but really, she (from all accounts, and I hate myself a little for saying this) really cared about him. I'm not calling it love. I'm sorry, we're all still in highschool. Love doesn't exist for us, yet. But I'll admit to a certain extent of caring in more than a platonic sense.
She thought they were going to be together forever. Legitimately had decided that at some point they were going to get married have a legit babies. She's been through pregnancy, and whispers, and all sorts of things just for him. She's given him everything she's got to give. And what does he do?
Treats her like shit. Treats her as if she's nothing more than a toy he's gotten bored with. He'd still like it to sit on the shelf and look pretty and awesome, but he doesn't really wanna play with it anymore. What a ho. Honestly, he disgusts me more than she ever could. He's just screwing around with her now (pun intended. Ask me if I care that it's in bad taste. Go ahead. I dare you.). So yea.
But what makes me so upset--is that I felt so sorry for her, that I couldn't find it in me to be happy about it. Her life is absolutely wrecked. There's nothing left to it. She is a broken and fallen woman. She won't recover unless they get back together.
She actually did fall on her face...and she didn't get back up this time.
And I feel awful for her. And it's infuriating!
I actually had the notion to hug her and tell her it would be okay.
WHAT. THE. HELL.
Seriously.
Just no.
So I'm furious, but not with her, furious more really with that asshole that calls himself a good person. The audacity of some people. The y-chromosome makes people so DUMB! Ugh.
So yea. And yet, some part of me that wasn't very loud, was mildly upset that she wasn't crying. She should've. I would've. I did, and I wasn't even in as deep as she was. I take comfort that her eyes were sort of red and puffy when she told me. If anyone suggests it was allergies, I'm going to falcon punch them. Just saying.
Also: I'm tired. And I'm being worked to death, and am also underpaid. I'm only complaining because it won't reach the employer's ears. Especially since my employer doesn't know who the heck I am considering we've never met. Ever.
Yea. Not to mention, I have actual obligations to Art Club and PALs. That being baking 3 DOZEN COOKIES (WTF?! D00D, seriously?!), making a PALs poster (all artsy like), and an Art Club poster (using a collage of photos from previous years so that we don't have to remake our sample sheet completely). We won't go into my homework load that I'm not doing voluntarily. Blegh.
6 hours of sleep is so not enough to keep my awake during Pre Cal. Just saying.
On a happier note: me and Tyler may or may not be going to the mall and the movies on Saturday. Just for the heck of it as friends. Because really, he's my replacement Alan. Don't tell him that, though. Because at the same time: he's Tyler, not Alan. There's a big difference. It makes sense in my head. I know what I'm talking about.
Panda out.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Let's Start A Riot
Honestly, I'm pissed. The gall and audacity of some people! Seriously though, this is President of at least 99% of the clubs available at that school, the one 1% he's not President, he's some other officer ranking. So why couldn't he leave this ONE to me? Would that have been so hard, really? I've been waiting for this chance for years, and I've done all the work as a Secretary, while you (and I'm currently directing this at the person I'm so very upset with at the moment), as President, have done NADA! You only came to a handful of meetings and you didn't even do any real work, you just sat there and then left, leaving the rest of us to pick up the slack! And you treated the rest of us, who were doing YOUR job like we weren't any higher up on the food chain than regular members, and thus stupider and unable to make unanimous and group decisions to better the club. Way to go for screwing up democracy--dictatorships maybe easier and less complicated, but they sure as hell aren't fair! If we weren't both seniors this year, mayber this would fly, if I was an underclassmen, I'd understand. But I'm not. So I don't. So this DOES NOT FLY! And like hell will I let this go without a fight. I've kept my cool about your lack of responsibility to this organization since last year-- no more! No one likes you as President, and frankly, neither do I. You're useless and arrogant when it comes to Art Club, and the only reason I've puit uip with this absolute crap is because when you're a normal human being you're tolerable. However, I'm sick of you being teacher's pet and playing politics so that you can just go behind everyone else's back and have whatever brilliant idea you come up with immediately instigated as law. So GTFO my club, ho. Because right, I kinda sorta really hate you and hope you get hit by a bus.
Moving right along here with my list of grievances--
I hate her. So much. And last year, she tended to avoid me. Suddenly, this year, she wants to be besties. And I still don't. Go figure. She's all up in everything I do. She comes to sit by me, she talks to me (and she doesn't stop!), and she asks me for help on her homework and photoshop--and I realize that yes, I'm being petty and stupid and I'm going to hell for all of this. However, I want her to fail. I want her to fall flat on her face and I hope she doesn't get back up.
Again, I realize, I need some serious therapy. This does not change the fact that I want to currently burn my notes and destroy every ounce of photoshop knowledge that I have ever gained. CS2 has served me well. If it means I have to fake a learning disability to CS5, so be it.
So there's this guy, that I may or may not like in my government class. Currently (and realistically), I doubt he even knows my name, much less, wants to know it. That's not the point. The point is that I've telepathically claimed him as mine for the time being. That doesn't really stop him from making a move on someone else--but it should sure as hell stop her from chatting it up with him like they've been besties since forever. I am not her friend. Therefore he is not the friend of a friend, and no, I refuse to allow her to be friends with him, too. Just no. (I realize, I have very little control over this matter, but seriously. Was it necessary? Really?) So yea. Can she not keep herself to one guy? I mean honestly, the one guy out of every single one that I talk with that I may or may not have a crush on is the one that she wants to be friends with. Brilliant. It's a wonder she isn't prego again already. And I'm too much of a coward to try and interrupt conversations that seem so harmless on the outside, where people seem to be okay with the conversation and who its with. So I just sat behind him, and secretly sent telepathic death signals in her direction (not that she noticed, but ahem...I totally did.) and tried not to burst into a bubble of tears. Because that's what I wanted to do.
Also, my super awesome expensive undergarment of the female sort: yea, it broke. Today. The wire went SNAP! and so now, not only is it torn, but now it's broken. Way to go for me, that $75 down the train. This has not been my day.
So yea, now I'm doing pre-cal homework and wanting to sleep and read the rest of Ouran knowing that I may not be able to find it again tomorrow since all the manga translators seem to be shutting down or suddenly caring about licensing. Stupid copyright laws...
Whatever.
This sucks.
Panda out.
Moving right along here with my list of grievances--
I hate her. So much. And last year, she tended to avoid me. Suddenly, this year, she wants to be besties. And I still don't. Go figure. She's all up in everything I do. She comes to sit by me, she talks to me (and she doesn't stop!), and she asks me for help on her homework and photoshop--and I realize that yes, I'm being petty and stupid and I'm going to hell for all of this. However, I want her to fail. I want her to fall flat on her face and I hope she doesn't get back up.
Again, I realize, I need some serious therapy. This does not change the fact that I want to currently burn my notes and destroy every ounce of photoshop knowledge that I have ever gained. CS2 has served me well. If it means I have to fake a learning disability to CS5, so be it.
So there's this guy, that I may or may not like in my government class. Currently (and realistically), I doubt he even knows my name, much less, wants to know it. That's not the point. The point is that I've telepathically claimed him as mine for the time being. That doesn't really stop him from making a move on someone else--but it should sure as hell stop her from chatting it up with him like they've been besties since forever. I am not her friend. Therefore he is not the friend of a friend, and no, I refuse to allow her to be friends with him, too. Just no. (I realize, I have very little control over this matter, but seriously. Was it necessary? Really?) So yea. Can she not keep herself to one guy? I mean honestly, the one guy out of every single one that I talk with that I may or may not have a crush on is the one that she wants to be friends with. Brilliant. It's a wonder she isn't prego again already. And I'm too much of a coward to try and interrupt conversations that seem so harmless on the outside, where people seem to be okay with the conversation and who its with. So I just sat behind him, and secretly sent telepathic death signals in her direction (not that she noticed, but ahem...I totally did.) and tried not to burst into a bubble of tears. Because that's what I wanted to do.
Also, my super awesome expensive undergarment of the female sort: yea, it broke. Today. The wire went SNAP! and so now, not only is it torn, but now it's broken. Way to go for me, that $75 down the train. This has not been my day.
So yea, now I'm doing pre-cal homework and wanting to sleep and read the rest of Ouran knowing that I may not be able to find it again tomorrow since all the manga translators seem to be shutting down or suddenly caring about licensing. Stupid copyright laws...
Whatever.
This sucks.
Panda out.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Don't Stop Me Now!
Life is being pretty awesome.
I've stopped worrying about things that are stupid, at least for the moment.
My fishie is moonwalkin, because he's a classy villain. (Gotta love Rothbart!)
And everything's just okay, ya know?
However, school will start sooon.
I'm not really looking forward to that. I mean, I miss my friends, ya know?
But I like holing up in my house for two or three months and being able to do whatever. It's nice. But I suppose that nothing awesome lasts forever.
Sent in my application for OC. I'll be starting on the one for the Art Institute next.
And I've totally got a CHALLENGE (not a date) to attend on Laser-X with a super awesome friend of mine that just happens to be male. Psh. It's not a date.
Because if we take the time to define a date, which already all sorts of subjective, it's totally not. He may or may not like me in a more than platonic sense (which is irrelevant anyways) but we are not officially the significant other of the other, and neither of us have claimed that this is a date; THEREFORE, it's NOT. Just saying.
Totally wish I had my license, understanding why is getting to be really tough. Like fer realz. And she still isn't letting me drive. Gah. Whatever
Also, just to add a point of political-ness to this:
This mosque business near Ground Zero--just no. That's like us going and bombing up Mecca and then building a christian church right beside it. So not cool. Can we say obnoxious much? Seriously.
Panda out.
I've stopped worrying about things that are stupid, at least for the moment.
My fishie is moonwalkin, because he's a classy villain. (Gotta love Rothbart!)
And everything's just okay, ya know?
However, school will start sooon.
I'm not really looking forward to that. I mean, I miss my friends, ya know?
But I like holing up in my house for two or three months and being able to do whatever. It's nice. But I suppose that nothing awesome lasts forever.
Sent in my application for OC. I'll be starting on the one for the Art Institute next.
And I've totally got a CHALLENGE (not a date) to attend on Laser-X with a super awesome friend of mine that just happens to be male. Psh. It's not a date.
Because if we take the time to define a date, which already all sorts of subjective, it's totally not. He may or may not like me in a more than platonic sense (which is irrelevant anyways) but we are not officially the significant other of the other, and neither of us have claimed that this is a date; THEREFORE, it's NOT. Just saying.
Totally wish I had my license, understanding why is getting to be really tough. Like fer realz. And she still isn't letting me drive. Gah. Whatever
Also, just to add a point of political-ness to this:
This mosque business near Ground Zero--just no. That's like us going and bombing up Mecca and then building a christian church right beside it. So not cool. Can we say obnoxious much? Seriously.
Panda out.
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