Once again, I should be doing English homework, and once again...I'm not. Ah well. I've done housework, which is surprising. However, if that wasn't surprising enough, my new boyfriend of 3 weeks, the one I was contemplating breaking up with broke up with me today. Imagine my surprise, this is not looking to be my year, I must say. Only February, and already I've made a dozen mistakes, am stressed to the max, sleeping and eating are not on my list of priorities, and I can't even keep a guy I don't like that much as a boyfriend for even a month. Brilliant. I think I deserve some cookie dough, or something. I didn't get to go to state, and I have homework coming out orifices that don't exist, and in general I'd like the world to please stop for just one moment, because I want the eff off! Ergh. In general, this break up actually works in my favor, but it's one of those things that hits my self-esteem ridiculously hard, whether I want it to happen or not. It's just not something I'll ever be used to no matter how many times it happens.
Not to mention the kicker here...
See, I spilled my guts to mom the other night, because I was so darn angry over VASE and not going to state and what they were sending to state and just upset in general because I was being pissy and not liking having to deal with someone 24/7 and being expected to do stuff I didn't necessarily want to do because I was someone's girlfriend and was obligated to let him hold my hand and put his arm around me (which, I have learned, annoys the crap out of me unless you're on a special list of people of which is relatively short). So, yea. Mom and me were talking, and it came to the discussion about why this was happening in the first place, and why all of the sudden, now that I finally have a boy that I semi-like coming after me, I wasn't pleased with the situation.
Turns out, I may have "committment issues."
Imagine my surprise.
I won't lie, I've contemplated this, but I never thought it to be true, nor have any real value to the conclusion, period. However, Mom was able to properly explain this all out to me. Not only am I paranoid little freak, but also one with committment issues for reasons that may or may not relate back to my father (I'm hoping not, that maybe I developed this on my own, because that makes me feel better).
Why this answer fits so well is that I've been going after guys that are
a) married
b) too old
c) both a and b
d) have girlfriends
e) are some sect of a radical religion that I so do not want to get mixed up in.
f) are some ethnicity my mother doesn't want me mixing with
etc.
You see where this is going?
It makes sense, sort of. I go after the impossible knowing I can't and will never have it. Thus, saving me from having to deal with the situation of someone actually returning my shameless flirtations without strings attached.
In general, I'm just a little bummed, miffed, and sort of depressed, because...well yea.
Also, I'd like some cake.
And a unicorn.
Maybe one that has a rainbow colored mane that'll take me to a magical world with singing flowers and smiling strawberries that laugh when you devour them whole.
Yes.
That would be totally awesome.
Panda out.
